Only when its over...

My most current ex-boyfriend and I just recently ended our 2-year relationship, and I feel that this end is a progression into the next stage of my life, odd, but true.

Daniel and i met in a club 2 years back, all becuase my silly girlfriend was so attraacted to Daniel's friend (who incidently was this rather suave looking chap in a flowery shirt, armed with a killer smile) that we were sort of introduced to each other because it will be awkward not to try to know each other, I mean, afterall we are in a club aren't we?

We started going out with the group and we had lots of fun. Quite frankly, I was not immediately attraacted to Daniel, as he isn't the sort who comes to you and sweep you off your feet just like that. He's this tall, lanky guy with some really odd hairdo with color streaks. What amused me was the fact that he was a tutor. You kidding me or what? An punk tutor?

Anyway, under all normal circumstances, it will be almost impossible for us to end up as an item. But things got thrown in all sorts of direction when we kissed. Though it was in a club and I had a couple of drinks (hello, I am so not drunk) before I knew it, I responded to some sort of dare (heck! I was single then) and so I kissed him. And even in all the buzz and the booze, I felt the kiss and I liked it. After that kiss, Daniel really took care of me, especially after all those cockails my head started to swirl. Gosh, he was so gentle, sensitive and caring when he held my head with both hands and lightly messaged my temples.

It was after that whole fiasco that I started to notice him. We started dating and in no time, I was heads over heels in love with someone I got to know in a club.

Daniel was like a little boy that never grows up, not that he isn't growing physically. Despite his towering frame, inside him is this lost little boy looking for a warm, ever-accepting and loving pair of arms to hold him, protect him and guide him. Despite being older, he seems so lost in this world. So aimless that he has not much ambitions, it was almost like he was afraid of success.

Don't get me wrong, Daniel's a really great person, loyal to friends, funny, kind-hearted and very helpful, sometimes too kind and too helpful that people around him takes advantage of him.

But I know my family cannot accept a person who does not have an ambition or much less a proper job to be my life partner. He's never been able to stay on a job for long, though I know he tried, but sometimes, just not enough. It's a dog eat dog world baby boy, when you are in the working world you trust no one but yourself. The rule is just work hard, learn well and in time to come, things will go well for you. But apparently he doesn't believe in that. Its almost like he expects easy cushy job without much effort.

So naive. But what can I say?

While i was trying to suss out my own career, I have to keep one hand on him and help him move on his life. And his life, is like a closet of skeletons. I was shocked to learn about the irresponsible side of him. But I still stayed on, thinking I can help him clear eveything up.

Instead of paying kindness with kindness, he went on and cheated on me with a girl by the name of Janice, incidently my old school's junior, working in a bank and drives her family's Mazda 323 (blue) around.

Yes, I still felt sore and angry about the whole issue because I put in real hard work into the relationship, and he rewarded my contribution with betrayal.

After his betrayal, i still took him back and still loved him and cared for him. but deep down inside, it's already not the same. Somehow, he noted the difference and decided to "propose". His idea of a proposal was to buy me a ring and make me wear it on my wedding ring finger.

But as time goes by, it became obvious to me that he does not have any idea what a marriage meant. This is what I think marriage means;

Marriage = Love + Honesty + Communication + Commitment + Responsibility

Beyond all things material, Daniel is not one who is capable of any big responsibilities, not to mention a marriage.

Things started to break down when he went jobless again and spent all his time and effort into pool. My family started to add pressure on me and my mom was hostile towards me. My workload and responsibilities were crushing me and Daniel didn't even notice.

It's unfair for me to say that he didn't notice, cos I am sure he did. Especially when my mother verbally challenged by decision to stay by him. Instead of jumping to my or better still his own defence, he stood in the background while I was rained with hundreds and thousands of objections and demands.

So we broke up after my long struggle between Daniel and the rest od the world.

I know he will miss me and he will be very lost on his own, somehow, I think he will miss me and cry for me because I was always there to shield him and provided for him. Now that I am no longer there, he will have to look after himself, and fend for himself.

I pray that he will learn well from these 2 years. I hope to see him successful in his own right, and I hope he will clear up his closet of skeletons, regain his confidence and be a useful person. I know one day, he will make one lucky girl a very happy wife if he really make it a point to make things work.

It's just sad that after so much hard work and so much pain, the final decision is still to let go. It's worse when he tells you after we broke off that he regretted coming back to me after he cheated on me with Janice. Because Janice will never leave him like that.

Fine, whatever... say what you like.

I am ready to put everything behind me, and proceed to the next stage of my life.